The Power of the Tongue

When I was young, I didn’t do well academically. In my mid-twenties, my late grandmother, whom I love dearly, once lamented to me in Hokkien, “I don’t understand, why are you not ‘kiang’ (which in Hokkien can mean clever or capable)?” In response, my stern disciplinarian father snapped in my defence, “He is a different kind of ‘kiang’.” From then on, I started to discover my own strengths and learning style, and my personal life took off from there.

I realised that I could do some things that others could not, and I could do them really, really well. That incident was a turning point for me – the moment someone I respected told me what was right with me and not just what was wrong with me.

Sticks and Stones

The words of a parent can be life-changing. The famed wise King Solomon observed that “life and death are in the power of the tongue”. I don’t believe that there are any neutral interactions with children. Every instance is an opportunity to tear them down, or to build them up.

As a teacher, I’ve had my own share of erroneously tearing children down in an effort to correct their behaviour. While discipline is part of classroom teaching , I’ve grown more aware of how I do it. Discipline can either leave a child feeling hopeless and guilty, or inspire self-improvement and empowerment. It’s all in the words. A friend of mine once mused, “Why say it like it is, when you can say it better.”

The Rudder

Words can have a more tangible effect on children than we often realise. For me, it was words that caused me to lose confidence in myself and consequently lose interest in my studies. Likewise, it was words that undid this damage and led me on the road of maximising my own potential. Both were the results of a spoken word at just one moment, but had repercussions that lasted for years.

It is a common Jewish custom for parents to speak blessings over their children. The practice harkens back to thousands of years ago when the patriarchs would place their hands on the heads of their offspring and speak destinies over them. Some have attributed the successes of the Jewish communities all over the world to this tradition.

The Chinese have a similar idea in their naming conventions – Specific characters that embody desirable traits are chosen for a child’s name in the hopes that that child would one day grow up to become their namesakes.

When I have to discipline my students, I make it a point to not just speak the things I see but speak the things that will be. I say that they are smart, and capable of much better than they have shown. I tell them how they will become stronger and achieve much if they have the strength to take the difficult road of disciplined action. And in my heart, I hope that I have played some small part in adjusting the little rudders on their ships and setting them on a right bearing in life.

We often say things we regret to children out of anger, and it is usually reactionary. The next time your child says or does something wrong, be careful of what leaves your lips.

• Address the demeanour

• Punish if necessary, but make the action the issue, not the person

• Tell them they should be better

• Tell them they can be better

• Tell them they are loved and have value, regardless

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