Learning to Fail

Many years ago, a friend had signed me up to join him in an Aikido class. I didn’t last very long. However, I discovered something profound on day one. The very first lesson was on how to break a fall. I had to throw myself on my back repeatedly and slam my arms on the mat to lessen the impact to my body. This set the tone for the next few days, and the message was clear – before you learn to throw an opponent, you have to learn to take a fall. And you’re going to fall, a lot.

That’s life. Everybody will fail at some point. The sooner we understand that, the sooner we realise it’s no big deal; and as long as we have breath, we have the opportunity to fight another day.

Game Theory

I grew up during the advent of PC gaming in the 80s. I’ve experienced the transition from the low resolution blocky retro games of yesteryear to the photo-realistic tech-advancing marvels of today. I’ve also notice a trend in game design.

In the early days, most games were skill-based, requiring hours, days or even weeks of trial and error and mental muscle-memory to avoid all the hazards the game threw at you to reach the end of it. By that point, you would be so numb to the “game over” screen that you would instinctively reset and start over again without batting an eyelid, taking note of where and how you last failed.

There was constant failure, yes, but there was also constant progress. In the end, when you tasted sweet success, you would throw your hands up in the air and shout, “YES!”, because you knew what it took to get there, and you had attained a level of mastery that few others did.

In recent years, most games are designed to reward the you frequently, injecting steady rushes of endorphin that hook you in with instant gratification. Challenge is an illusion, and the game world provides a safe sandbox where the way is paved with success after success; and where your digital avatar grows exponentially stronger until it is able to overcome the final challenge.

There are three important differences:

1. The former rewards skill and you succeed because you, the player, have grown to become better at it.
   The latter rewards making correct choices and you succeed because the game itself provides the means for your virtual self to grow stronger.

2. The former is built on overcoming a series of failures to finally beat the game.
   The latter is built on consistent successes which culminate in achieving the grand end goal.

3. For the former, only the few with the resilience to keep trying complete the game.
   For the latter, everyone is winner.

The truth is, most of us, including me, prefer the latter. It’s easier. It doesn’t hurt. It’s instantly rewarding. This article is not a critique on game design, but more a reflection on how we, as a generation have transitioned from valuing learning from mistakes to our addiction to success.

Unrealistic Expectations

I once had a very disheartening conversation with a 12-year old. He told me that he was motivated to study because he wanted to be first in class. I was initially impressed that he had so much drive and I asked him why. His response was that he didn’t want to be a loser. My heart broke. “So out of the 30 or 40 of you, only one person can be the winner and everyone else are losers?” I asked. “I will definitely be the winner,” he responded.

This was a troubling revelation for me. Someone had taught this child to peg the value of people to some arbitrary ranking. I wonder how many other children in Singapore are taught that if they aren’t the best, they are losers. What an utterly terrible value to instil in a child. The richness of life is so much more than about being winners and losers.

At the risk of sounding indelicate, I believe that most of us feel what a needless waste of precious life it is when we read about students who end it all because of something as inconsequential as exam results. I don’t blame the students, their parents, the schools or the education system for such tragedies. I blame the lie that you have to be better than everyone else to survive in this world; that success in life is the result of a perfect streak of “correct” decisions.

Childhood should be a frivolous time. Its consequences are trivial, which makes it a perfect time for self-discovery and exploration. I say let the children be children. Don’t teach them to fear mistakes. Teach them to be brave. Teach them to have the audacity to take risks. Teach them to have the courage to face the consequences of a bad choice. Teach them to have the strength to address their weaknesses. Teach them to have the resilience to accept failure and try again. Tell them it’s okay.

The Reset Button

In reference to computer games, someone once said, “Life has no reset button.” I strongly disagree. The Sun rises everyday, and every day is an opportunity to make things better. Even if you don’t get it right, there’s always tomorrow. Life does have a reset button. We just have to take our eyes off our failures long enough to see it.

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