Keeping Our Promises to Our Children

Have you ever taken a rain check on a friend? Maybe you had agreed on a lunch date, but then had to cancel because of a work emergency. We all know that, sometimes, life happens. Your friend will understand, right? As an adult, your friend likely will. But children may not take it as lightly.

The Chocolate Factory

Recently, I conducted an oral class on the stimulus-based conversation component. The stimulus was a picture advertising a tour at a chocolate factory. One by one, I had each student stand up and relate an anecdote to support their responses. One student totally clammed up and just stood there for a good 10 minutes, not saying a word. I found it strange as he was usually outspoken and had been happily participating up to this point. After the class, I kept him back to try to understand what was going on.

It took about 30 minutes of complete silence before he finally shared that his parents had promised him, multiple times, to bring him to visit a chocolate factory but never honoured that promised. The stimulus had triggered such sadness that he had mentally shut down, unable to move past the mental barrier of disappointments.

What stuck me the hardest, in my conversation with this boy, was when he said, “Aiyah… adults always say lidat wan.” That’s some serious cynicism for a 12-year old.

Weighing the Costs

On further probing, I found out that the root issue wasn’t the broken promises but what they represented – His parents were too busy to spend time with him.

Both of the student’s parents were still working; a common situation in many Singaporean families. His father spent most of the day in his company and only came home late in the evening to have dinner and continue working at his laptop after. His mother also worked in the company and had to take care of the family, especially the latest addition who was not even half a year old.

I explained to the boy that his parents were working hard to ensure that the family was taken care of, and that that was all for his benefit. He nodded, meaning that he understood, but I could see from his face that in his heart, he did not accept it. That’s what adults always say.

It’s not my place to judge any parent on the choices they make and how they bring up their child. However, hearing from this child how much he wanted his parents just to spend time with him, I can’t help but wonder if what is financially practical is the best choice. Perhaps children, or any person for that matter, needs more than just their material needs met, but their emotional needs as well. I think we often give a disproportionate weight to the former and think that the latter will work itself out eventually. But it takes deliberate time and effort, just like working for money, to build up a child to be emotionally strong and stable.

Time > Things

Conversely, I have another student who will be celebrating her birthday this Sunday, the day before this article will be published. Her parents will be spending the whole day with her at Adventure Cove, Sentosa. I know this because she has been telling me about it for the past three weeks. This tiny girl is soft-spoken and took 6 months before she was comfortable enough to even smile in class. However, she was just bubbling with so much joy that she could not contain it in her introverted self.

In all my years of teaching, I notice that whenever kids gush in class, its about a birthday party, or an overseas trip, or even just a weekend getaway. I’m not saying we don’t give gifts, but there’s something magical that lights up in children when we give them time, and not just things.

I don’t think I’ve said anything here that hasn’t been said before. But once in a while, we all need a reminder that in our busyness to provide for our loved ones, we don’t forget the very loved ones we are providing for. The gift of time can outlast anything that comes in a box.

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