Exam Results: It’s Not the End

A parent recently messaged me his disappointment over his child’s prelim scores. When his child joined my class earlier this year, his fear was that his child would be retained after PSLE. Currently, his child’s estimated aggregate is enough to make it into the Normal Academic stream, which is far from the risk of being retained.

When I pointed this out, he then lamented that his child could not enter his school of choice. I wondered when his child would ever be good enough. I had to politely correct this parent’s response as I knew that it would undo all our efforts to build up this child’s confidence.

We never quite outgrow the need for parental approval. I know, from my own childhood experience, that how we respond to our children’s exam results, can either make or break them.

Be Realistic

A new student, who was failing badly across all subjects, enrolled in one of my classes just two months ago. Just from the first session, I could tell that he had learnt nothing in his five and the half years in school. This is not an exaggeration, insult or hyperbole. Even in class, I noticed how his eyes would glaze over after the first 15 minutes.

I never scolded him for that. In fact, I praised him for trying to stay focused. I knew that he lacked the mental stamina to pay attention for any extended amount of time. He was the unfortunate product of years of low expectations and had slipped through the cracks of the system. Imagine being a sedentary couch potato for 30 years and then having to scale the peak of Mount Everest after a month’s training. It’s impossible.

At this point, all the content being unloaded on him is funnelled through this narrow 15-minute window. However, if he’s consistently pushed to meet high expectations, and he doesn’t give up, I know it’s just a matter of time before he develops his mental muscles to be on par with his peers. For now, he has some severe limitations that both he and his parents weren’t aware of.

Understanding and accepting the limits of your child’s abilities is essential to their progress. Too many parents are focused on where they want their child to be, without considering where their child is at. As a result, they administer the wrong remediation strategies that may leave the child emotionally battered and with their confidence in shatters. Academically, what you want for your child is not as important as what your child needs at that point. 

Be Encouraging

We need to move away from arbitrary and standardised measures of achievement, and instead define success relative to a child’s abilities. If your child improved from an F to a C, don’t ask why it’s not a B or an A. Say, “Good job!” because even an increase of 10 points is not easy. Let your child know that they’re on the right track, that you acknowledge their hard work, and that you’re excited to see them improve more.

The reasons your child may not be meeting your expectations may be more complex than just laziness, playing on the mobile phone or not trying hard enough. Being children, and not machines, their cognitive abilities are still developing, their emotions are not tempered, and their egos are fragile.

The last line of poet W. B. Yeats’ poem ‘The Cloths of Heaven’ is a constant reminder to me to choose my words carefully, especially when reprimanding children.

I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.

Be Loving

All children need and desire unconditional love from their parents. So many children have the perception, often inaccurately so, that their parents peg their love for them to their academic performance. I believe one of the contributors to this perception is conditional extrinsic rewards. “If you score A Star for _______ I’ll buy you _______.”

It’s okay to let your child know that they can do better, but to withhold a gift because of grades dangerously reinforces this misconception in children. A seemingly undeserved gift goes further than punishment; and communicates that your expression of love is not based on academic performance, but freely given simply because of the relationship between parent and child. Let them know that, even if they are not good at studies, they are always good enough.

It’s Not the End

The owner of a provision shop near my home once shared with me how worried she was about her son’s results. I told her that her son would be alright and that nobody starves in Singapore.

I have always believed that: As long as I have breath, it is not the end. There’s always a new day to learn from my mistakes and improve myself. No exam, not even the PSLE, determines one’s future. Regardless of the recent examination results, there is always a way forward to a better day.

Our children, and their destinies, are not defined by their grades. They can, if we as adults give them the courage to, master their weaknesses and discover their better selves.

I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.
– Invictus, W. E. Henly

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